The last week has been incredibly crazy as we are in high gear preparation for our Inaugural Golf Tournament this Friday and the Benefit Concert on June 1, 2014. I have stressed my mind and run my body endlessly the last week and on Friday was telling a good friend how I was craving a break. As I entered Friday, with a to-do list longer than physically possible, I was at the brink of crawling into a corner for an emotional breakdown but literally did not even have time to consider it before I realized that I had to keep going. I was seriously craving that “take a break from the world” feeling but I realistically couldn’t have that time until I get through May.
Today is Mothers Day. I have 3 beautiful children that fill my heart and made me a mother, 2 here with me and 1 waiting for me in heaven. Today, I quieted this all too busy world and spent the day with my family. I, unexpectedly, got that gift of time I needed. I so desperately needed this day with Justin, Drew, and Kaylee by my side. I woke up feeling mixed emotions as we started the day. I received so many heart warming messages from so many and felt so loved by so many. It’s an awkward feeling of expectations that our society holds for Mother’s day. Mothers being spoiled, pampered, breakfast in bed, and so on that just never lives up to the hype. We were exhausted from the last week so we all actually slept in for the first time in a very long time! Drew’s birthday and Mothers day were just days apart this year so we had decided to share our celebration meal as breakfast out on Sunday morning. I immediately felt a sense of peace as we sat and talked and found quiet in our life. The stress, worries, and fears were easily set aside as we just enjoyed our time together. While out, we decided it was a beautiful day to be outside… so we came home loaded up our bikes and headed out. To say I enjoyed our afternoon at the park is an understatement. I loved it. Every Single Minute Of It. Time with my children and Justin – I don’t need gifts, I don’t need spoiled, and I don’t need special pampering. All I need is what’s most important to me… uninterrupted time with my most important people. There are no gifts that could compare to the gift of time to me. I went from a morning of feeling mixed emotions about what to expect out of the day to realizing that I couldn’t have picked a more loving day to spending with my family.
Did I miss Nate on Mother’s Day? I sure did, but I miss Nate every single day, so yesterday was no different. I felt Nate’s presence all day. He was with us at the park as I imagined him, more than once, breezing past freely on his bike, all while I took a deep breath to soak it in. On the way home from the park, completely unplanned, we stopped by the preschool Drew and Nate attended and Kaylee will start at in the fall. I wanted to show Kaylee the school, the playground, to see the tree that Wesley Freedom EYLC planted for Nate, and the Go Out Be Great rock in the garden. When Nate was 4 he was able to plant a flower in the preschool garden as part of a project in class. I remember, vividly, him being so proud and excited about his flower (maybe because he was allowed to dig in the dirt at school which was one of his favorite things). As we admired this years garden and tree, I could still see Nate standing there pointing out his flower to me with the biggest smile as he told me how he helped plant it. We then let the kids spend a few minutes playing as Drew showed Kaylee around the preschool playground and talked to her about preschool. When I look back at the memories that truly spark my heart, it’s the little ones that I remember most. The memories that may have seemed small at the time are the ones that I won’t forget.
Again, on our way home, I had another instinct and it was to stop by the playground at Mechanicsville that was dedicated in Nate’s honor last August. The playground that we worked tirelessly to raise money for through some of our darkest hours. The playground that very well may have been a driving force that pulled us through the year after losing Nate. To be honest, I haven’t been by there since the dedication last August. I’ m not sure why I haven’t been by there actually… maybe I was afraid of the emotion or just a loss of time. Today we went, unplanned, and we played on a beautifully remarkable playground. I was, once again, taken back by the magnitude of the playground as I gazed and took it in. It’s a beautiful playground. Nate would love it. We spent some time just playing and letting the kids be free in the fresh air and laughter and soaking in the sunshine and beautiful day that it was!
No day is easy. Mother’s Day isn’t any different than any other day when it comes to how much I miss Nate. But I can promise you – my day was full of love. Love that bursts from my seams for my 3 children and I felt completely filled by love from them too. It was exactly what I needed and I am so thankful for each moment of this day. Thank you for every single heartfelt message that was sent. I read and appreciated each and everyone. Days like these are too hard for me to fathom responding to each so I say thank you here!
I am thankful today for these precious smiles that love us unconditionally every day and continue to light up our lives. I am thankful for being blessed with children that call me mom. These smiles continually make every day meaningful!
I’ll keep listening for you, Nate. I’ll keep reaching for you, Nate. A mothers love has open arms that never end… I’ll hold you again one day buddy. Until then, we will soak your love into us in every way we can.
All My Love,