The following post I actually wrote about a week ago. I hadn’t posted it yet because I hadn’t found the time to edit it but I also was not confident in it. Sometimes I write and I never share. But yesterday, when I read the verse of the day in my YouVersion bible ap I knew that this post was meant to be seen. All day the verse from Hebrews resonated within me.
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8.
I’ve had to remind myself of this very thing many days since September. Now, I can’t get it out of my head. As I think about how my life changed after September… one thing is still true. My Jesus is the same today as he was yesterday and the day before.
My journaling from last week:
I’ve been struggling the last few days. I’m emotionally drained but I’m also physically drained and I’m trying to figure out how to juggle my time with this life I’m adjusting too. The foundation is great and I know it is helping us grieve and heal. It has brought joy to see hard work come together, it has brought peace to see there is still good in this crazy world, and it has brought support that we never imagined possible. The work is inspiring and drives me to want more from it. The foundation is hard work and work that we want to do. It’s an inspiration to Be Great. It’s my ongoing drive to Be Great For Nate. But as life moves forward I am juggling the chaos of figuring out where to spend my time and how to make it all work. I believe God laid this foundation out for us for many reasons… for support, for healing, for His work, and to keep us busy so that we keep moving forward each day. But this “busy”, I am learning a new way of managing time.
This past weekend I began reading a book by Angie Smith called “I Will Carry You”. I don’t normally read books. I don’t have the time and they don’t keep my attention. If I sit long enough to pick up a book that means I’m sitting long enough to let my eyes rest. But this book, I can barely put it down. I’d looked at for weeks, leaving it in my Amazon shopping cart, wondering if it would be too hard for me to read but so far I’m glad I ordered it and began the journey. It’s a story by a mother who has lost a child. She speaks from her heart and isn’t telling anyone else how to grieve but simply telling her story. As I read it, I swear, there are paragraphs that jump right off the page as if she picked them right out of my brain.
“People constantly ask how it is that I am not angry with the Lord. My honest answer is I have been angry, and I have been disappointed. What I have not been, and what I refuse to be, is disbelieving. However easy it may be to allow myself to wail over my loss, it is a far more satisfying thing to believe that all of this is a brief season. The Lord I have placed my trust in tells me that I will see my child again, and while He stands beside me, He weeps. He doesn’t weep at the barren ground, nor does He mourn the browning branches. He cries because I can’t see what He can. And in the fluttering of the breeze, with my heart pressed to His, I can hear Him whisper, “Spring will come, my love.” – Angie Smith
I read that and thought, “Wow”. This is me. Yes, I’m angry. No, I don’t understand. Yes, I want to know why Nate couldn’t stay here with us. I’m his mom, he was born to me, and he’s supposed to be with ME. But I believe that we are only here on Earth for a short period of time. I believe that the Lord does weep for me because He knows I am in pain but He already knows the joy that is to come. I have to ask myself, if I didn’t believe in eternity, and what if I didn’t believe in God or Heaven, then what would be the point of life? I will keep surrendering. I will keep leaning into God because I believe in time He will keep revealing answers to me.
Today we had a great spring day playing outside for a good part of the day. The warm weather brings smiles and fun. It’s awesome to see Drew maturing and playing outside in a different way. It brings joy to see Kaylee enjoying the outdoors so much. I love to watch her innocent laughter, curiosity, and love of life. Today in the midst of so much fun, Kaylee asked to play in the sandbox, but as I looked at it I knew what was about to hit me. I opened the sandbox out of curiosity to see how it survived the winter. When I opened, I saw it, exactly as Nate had left it. There were trucks, matchbox cars, a shovel, and a plastic atv with the hills still in place on one side of the box. In that moment I wasn’t ready for Kaylee to touch it. I mustered the strength to softly close the top and place the bands back over the edges to secure it closed, and then with tears rolling down my cheek, I looked at Kaylee and told her we’d have to play in the sandbox another day. I will try it again another day. Nate would love to have Kaylee playing in that sandbox.
This life is not what I asked for and it’s not what I imagined my life to be. Despite my best planning for years it’s not what I had planned. It’s new and it’s not always exciting. Sometimes the hurt feels like more than one should ever bear and some days I find the joy I thought I never would again. Some days I feel pride in what we have accomplished this winter and some days I wish I could turn back time. The truth is that’s not possible and that hurts. But my choice is that in the unbearable I will go on and my choice is that I will keep seeking joy and finding hope.
Last night, as I thought about this post and re-read it I realized, my Jesus is the same as he was yesterday. He is the same as He was last year. He is the same as He will be tomorrow. He is my past, my present, and my future.
All My Love,
On a side note: I have also been posting sneak peeks of the Go Out Be Great Tough Mudder pictures on Instagram. You can follow us @gooutbegreat on Instagram and you can also post your pictures of you being great by #gooutbegreat too!