A Mother's Heart

The following was written by my amazing mother about a month ago and I was saving it to post at the right time.  Today, I woke up and I knew it was time to share:

I have learned more about me in the past nine months than I ever cared to know.    I can see now that I have run from everything in my life that I can’t control.   Every time things didn’t go my way or the way I thought they should or if I didn’t feel in control I would run or hide from that situation.    I think mothering was good because when my children were little I was in control. When I made the decision to move to the lake it was to blend in.  We wanted to slow down.    We wanted to have that place where my family would always feel welcome and we could come together to make those memories you never lose.   We felt like life was passing us by too quick and we wanted to slow it down and enjoy our 8 beautiful grandkids and give them the simple fun and memories that they deserved without us being so busy.  Never did we think they would be memories we wish we had not endured.Everything, we did at the lake house, we did for the kids.    We wanted that downtime families dream of.   We wanted Thanksgivings, holidays, and lots of weekends and weeks with Nanny and Papa.   We made and built the perfect room with bunk beds built into the wall.   I watched for sales so I could match some beautiful quilting on the bunk beds and bed.   Now I cannot bring myself to look at a pottery barn catalog.
While we were building the dock we would have to give Nate daily updates.   He was so excited.    He kept saying “Nanny make papa save some of the work for me to do when I get there”.    We would send him daily updates of the cranes at work and the dock being built.  He loved it.   He was all boy. Now –  I can’t sit on my dock. 
Last summer before the kids visited I’d gone to a yard sale and picked up some odd and end toys to put on the toy shelf we’d built for the kids.  Nate had picked toys and put them in a box to bring to the lake house to leave so that he could play with them every time he visited.  Now, I can’t pull out the toys the kids loved.     We completely understand that this may never be the family lake house weDSC00371 dreamed of.    
All we want in life now is for our children to find the happiness that makes them whole again.     I would have carried all this grief for my kids.    I could always make everything right.   I couldn’t make this right. I couldn’t jump in and fix it as I did when they were kids.  Our Nate was gone.  We don’t know why.  I worry that I missed something important that I will never figure out.     Sometimes I wonder why it takes such a major and hard loss for us to realize how important the simple things with our family are.     You know, the other morning when I read the article about the playground being erected this summer in memory of Nate it made me smile.      Then I was getting ready for work and started to cry and say but God, why did he have to die for this good to happen and God clearly spoke to me right then and there and said But why mine?I will spend every day from here on standing next to my daughter and her family.    I cannot run from this.  Our Nate is gone but we have so much to still learn from Him.   I just know it!
Love ,


Today has been 18 years since I lost my “Grandiddy”.  I can look back and remember that day vividly knowing where I was and what I was doing when I heard the news.  I think this was the first time in my life that I felt that true hurt and pain.  I loved my Grandiddy.  Even as a teenager, I knew the pain I was feeling in the loss of my grandfather could not compare to pain my mother was feeling in losing her father.  And I knew in those days that she hurt for us children as we hurt for him too.    Today, is 10 months since we lost Nate.   I could say a thousand things I feel today but the one I want to share is this.  Today, my mother hurts.  She hurts for her father.  She hurts for grandson.  And she hurts for me.   No matter how old I am or where life goes – she still hurts for me and I still hurt for her.  There is a bond between parent and child that will never be broken.   Although, I am confident Grandiddy met Nate at Heavens Gate and I bet they are dancing in streets of Heaven – we cry tears here on Earth.

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”  Matthew 11:28, 29 NLT

“I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.”  Ephesians 1:18 NLT

Our love for Nate continues to grow.  My son is still teaching me many things from Heaven and I will continue to learn and grow.  My heart has grown bigger.  My love pours out.  There are hard days but He gives me strength to persevere.  I pray that all of our hearts will continue to be flooded with Hope.

All My Love,


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