NCBF BLOG

Tired

When feeling worn down… I write.  And this is what comes out…  But JOY does come in the morning.
 
I am so tired of being tired.    I want my old self back.  I want my old life back.  I want Nate back.
 

Will grief always be such an exhausting weight to carry around?

Some days when the exhaustion sets in on top of exhaustion and I feel like I’m using every ounce of what I have left I get this urge to just throw my hands up and say I’m done.  I’m tired of fighting.   I wish grief were a weight I could just put down for a day.   It’s a heavy burden to carry each day and one that can only wear you down with time.  I wish grief could be boxed up and only opened when I have the energy to carry it.    The road of grief is long.  It is a road that I never imagined I’d journey through.  But here I am, journeying through, stumbling along the way, but still moving.

The pain is in everything we do.  A mothers heart never stops.  A father son outing.  Kaylee asking over dinner “Where did Nate go” with a curious look in her eyes as she tries to make sense of it all.   An empty bed, a sippy cup, a matchbox car turning up in a corner, a picture, a story, a coloring page with his artwork, a wrestling tournament, an empty seat in a car, and memories everywhere.

I’ve heard that when we are feeling so worn down we are the most vulnerable.  Maybe that’s why when I feel worn, is when I share the most.  It’s when I remove the mask and let it out.   It’s also when I ultimately look to God and say, okay I’m done.   I need you.   Don’t let me lose hope.    I want to trust you to  lead me through this journey and bring me to solid ground.

I can barely stand right now
Everything is crashing down
And I wonder where You are

I try to find the words to pray
I don’t always know what to say
But You’re the one who can hear my heart

Even though I don’t know what Your plan is
I know You make beauty from these ashes

I’ve seen joy and I’ve seen pain
And on my knees I call Your name
Here’s my broken Hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to You
Here’s my broken
Here’s my broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You know the things that have brought me here
You know the story of every tear
‘Cause You’ve been here from the very start

Even though I don’t know what Your plan is
I know You make beauty from these ashes

I’ve seen joy and I’ve seen pain
And on my knees I call Your name
Here’s my broken Hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to You
Here’s my broken
Here’s my broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

When all is taken away, don’t let my heart be changed
Let me always sing Hallelujah
When I feel afraid, don’t let my hope be erased
Let me always sing Hallelujah

- The Afters, Broken Hallelujah

Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you.  Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you.  Psalms 143:8

I love that I can wake up the next day feeling refreshed, re-energized, and full of strength and love to tackle another day.   There’s an inspiration deep inside of me to be great each day.  That feeling doesn’t come from myself alone. A year and a half ago I would not have predicted this is where my life would be.   I had a perfect family of 5.  I was ready to tackle that craziness every day and love every second of it.  After losing Nate, I was scared.  I was scared of what my road ahead looked like.   I am blessed by family, friends, and faith.   I listened to them and to God and followed a path of Hope.    I am still learning and being refined daily.  I am still growing stronger.  I still have days, and probably always will, where I’d rather crawl into pity and grief than tackle the day.   But most days, I can hold my head high and be proud of where we are and what we are doing. 

Greatness lies in each one of us. Experience it.  Believe it.  Pay it Forward.  Show it to others.

Go Out. Be Great.

xoxo,

Katie

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