Today, is May 28, 2015. Tomorrow, is our 2nd Annual Nathan Chris Baker Golf Tournament. We, as a team, are excited and anxious to get tomorrow rolling! We are ready for another GREAT day! The week before an event is always filled with errands, last minute never ending to-do lists, and yes, a bit of stress for all of us planning. As I’ve journeyed this week I have multi-tasked like an event planning professional conquering one to do after the next. I felt strong and ready to brave each days tasks.
But in a moment, I am reminded of brokenness. My heart hurts.
With the stress of the week the days have passed quickly. What I was expecting today was to wake up ready to tackle the day before the golf tournament with eyes open and ready. Instead I woke up emotional carrying a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and tears filling my eyes at every turn. I was paralyzed by fear that today meant the first step in a hard year ahead. I knew this day was coming. I’ve known it since August 2014 when Kaylee entered her first year of preschool at Wesley Freedom Early Years Learning Center. But the year went by so fast. She has loved every second of preschool. She is social, like Nate. She loves life, like Nate. And she loves school and being challenged, much like Nate as well. Preschool days are some of the last memories I have of Nate. Kaylee was born the year Nate was in 3 year old preschool. Now she is in his same classroom. All 3 of my children have attended the same preschool so, let’s be honest, sending my last baby through was going to be emotional anyway but having the last memories of Nate at preschool makes seeing Kaylee hit milestones even harder.
Last week, we had her preschool picnic to celebrate the end of 3 year old preschool. There was a rock Nate played on at that park at Drew’s picnic first and then his own 2 years later that I couldn’t go near. Sometimes I can tackle many things. Some days I can’t.
Today, is the last day I dropped Kaylee off and picked her up at 3 year old preschool with the same teacher(s) that Drew & Nate both had. They have a piece of my heart. They have taken care of 3 of my babies. They cried as they welcomed Kaylee into class on day 1 promising to take care of her and comforting me through my pain. They thanked me for bringing her to them. They were worried it would be to painful for me to be back but I assured them that I trusted no one else to care for Kaylee and I knew they would take care of her the same way they did for Drew and Nate.
When I woke up this morning I truly wasn’t expecting the overwhelming emotion that I felt. I knew it was deep down inside …. I just wasn’t quite prepared for it to surface. Kaylee is growing up. Next year, means 4 year old preschool. Which means graduation. Which means she will turn 5 this school year, which also means Kindergarten is on the horizon. While, yes, these would all be hard things to swallow with your last baby growing up. This year, is especially hard for me with Kaylee. She will be the age that Nate was. She will pass his earthly age.
I am not ready. That feels like moving on without Nate. That leaves me feeling sad and missing my boy so much. It leaves me wishing he were here with us celebrating another summer on its way.
When I hit those emotional roller coasters I turn to music to hear God. And today was no different. Something about a song can open my heart to allow Him right inside. He fills me with strength, faith, and love. He fuels me to make it another day with Him by my side. Kari Jobe said it well for me today in her song “Steady My Heart”. I needed steadied. I needed calmed. I needed reminded to surrender the pain again.
Wish it could be easy. Why is life so messy?
Why is pain a part of us?
There are days I feel like nothing goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much.
I’m not gonna worry
I know that You’ve got me right inside the palm of your hand.
Each and every moment
Whats good and what gets broken happens just the way that You plan.
Even when it hurts
Even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You ’cause I know that
You are the lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my Heart.
And I find refuge in your arms!
The pain is real. Our lives are real. Our lives are moving forward because that’s the reality of this world but it feels at times like we are leaving Nate behind as the days, months, and years now begin to pass. So many days, I feel him with us, right in the midst of all of it with us. But when Kaylee becomes older than Nate… the thought alone leaves me speechless. It’s been a fear of mine for quite sometime now and today, the milestone, of moving on from 3 year old preschool makes that fear one step closer to reality. I don’t want her to grow up. And I don’t want her to be 5.
In my brokenness, which is hard for me to admit, I have to remind myself to surrender it all to God. He has walked me to this point and he will keep walking me through the rest.
All My Love,