May my heart be kind, my mind fierce, and my spirit brave. – Kate Forsyth.
It’s been awhile since I’ve really sat down to write in this blog.
A few weeks ago, a friend asked me why I haven’t written and posted a blog lately. My initial response was to say, “I am so busy that I haven’t had time to sit and write”. 2015 seriously, flew by… and 2016 is headed in the same direction. I really haven’t had that same dedicated quiet time where I could just sit and let emotion spill out, sometimes literally with tears, to the keyboard. Honestly, there have been a few stories that I really wanted to share but as weeks ticked by the moment didn’t have the same impact when I tried to formulate the thoughts.
While, that may be partially true that I didn’t have time, it wasn’t the full truth. So then I began to confess more.
At a certain point last year, I hit a wall. A privacy wall where I began to wonder if I was sharing to much about our life when I wrote. As I poured out thoughts on a blog, or shared countless pictures, I began to question how much of our personal life is supposed to be shared? How much am I supposed to keep private for my family? What emotions do I protect my children from when they are old enough to look back and read these posts? As my children grow it became more and more apparent to me just how much I was sharing or what I wasn’t sharing for that matter. I began to find myself protecting pieces of a story to protect their privacy. In 2012, when we started this blog and started sharing it was truly a way for me to express everything in my head. It became an outlet and a source of connection to family, friends, and community. I didn’t realize, 3 years later, that it would be read by so many. Or that as time has passed the reality of my children, and their peers, being able to read it would be so evident. Writing became a battle of what and how much can I pour out.
I’ve never been shy about saying my children are my first priority and what is best for them will always come first, for Drew & Kaylee, and also for Nate’s story. I want to be fair, honest, and full of love for each of my children. I want to do what is right for all 3 of them. Because, even though, on Earth to the unknown eye, they see me with two children… I will always have 3. As a mom, I will always take care of all of my children. And Nate’s story, our story, is being called to be heard.
I have to admit, I miss that feeling of connection that this blog gave me. It was an emotional release for me and hearing all the kind and loving comments in response to our stories was always so filling in my soul. Over the last few weeks, I have been praying over where this blog should be. It keeps hitting me over the head so vividly…. God wants us to use our story to share with the world. We have a story that should be heard and shared. A story that could be used to help others see their way through a similar journey. We have a story to share about Nate, to share about our journey, but also to share of our faith in Him. I believe that God wants to use our story for His story.
So here, I am, with a brave and faithful spirit… writing again.
Two loves sending love to one more love, Nate. These moments in this journey … they fill my heart.
This pain is real. This journey is hard. I will keep pushing to be better. I will keep pushing to be GREAT through this pain and in this journey filled with hope.