“Rain falls because the clouds can no longer handle the weight.
Tears fall because the heart can no longer handle the pain.”
Some days I can wake up and feel ready to tackle the day. The joy we intentionally seek in life happens easily. Some days I feel completely "normal"... whatever normal actually is anymore. I laugh with real smiles and I walk with confidence and trust in our story. Other days I wake up and I feel this weight. This heavy and unbearable weight. And the joy we seek just isn't there. The light feels torn away, every step proves difficult, and the weight of grief just pulls you down. It feels like a heavy weight, you carry on both shoulders, making every step a brutal physical effort.
Why are we given these days where grief strikes so harshly? Why does the rain fall?
Today is one of those days. Today I woke up and I felt it. I felt the weight pulling me down. I kept it together long enough to get the kids out the door to school and then I lost it. I emotionally and physically just lost it. This morning, tears poured out of my eyes as quickly as the rain was pouring out from the sky. I sat with my coffee, in the quiet of an empty house, and wept. I let the tears and the rain just fall. As the clouds could not handle the weight of the rain, I could not handle the weight of the pain. I was once told that rain drops are like God’s love pouring out for us…. this morning as I looked out at the rain and through tear filled eyes I was reminded of God's love. That, no matter how broken I may be, His beautiful and lasting love is here. That He is collecting my every tear. He knows my every sorrow. And He knows when I need held.
5 years ago today Nate graduated preschool. 5 years ago, I clearly remember cuddling with him on the couch and thinking about how much I was going to miss him when he went off to Kindergarten. How does a mothers mind even begin to grasp that…. at that time I thought my missing him would be during the day and he’d come home to us each afternoon. I never could have known then what missing him would truly be. It would not be a few hours every day. It would be every day and every night for the rest of our lives. It never goes away.
How quickly life can change.
As I thought about this memory the number caught me. Five. 5 years ago. This memory was 5 years ago. And Nate was 5 years old. It's been nearly 5 years since we lost him. Our last memories with Nate are at 5 years old and the memories themselves are now 5 years old. In our hearts, we still picture Nate at 5 years old. I am not ready for my memories to be older than he was. And I don't want memories to fade over time. The more time that passes that more real that reality becomes. Soon, our time without Nate will be greater than our time with him. It's just not fair. And it hurts.
The end of the school year always proves to be a hard transition season for me. I love summer and having my children under my wing but something in this transition rocks me to my core. By now, I should know how to prepare myself for this season yet it always catches me off guard. The end of school always brings me hard memories and feelings of Nate’s last days of preschool and of the summer breaks he didn’t get. Nate loved the warmer seasons... he played outside and loved all that it had to offer. The warm air brings memories of him running, jumping, and playing so much that I can almost feel him at times. This end of school year is proving especially hard, as we enter the last celebratory days of Kindergarten with Kaylee, my heart is leaping for her and breaking for him at the same time. I am so thankful I get to take in these moments with Kaylee and experience them. But I am beyond broken for the moments we didn’t get with Nate. I can't help but feel selfishly broken for him and for us.
I know this is one more step in our journey of grief as Kaylee continues to outgrow Nathan. This year she, his younger sister, turned 6. She passed his earthly age and is doing all the things he didn't get to do. We walk with grief every single day in our journey and we fight for joy. We walk it, mostly, with smiles because we have a desire to enjoy life but it doesn't mean it isn't hard. It doesn't mean there aren't many unseen struggles that we go through daily. Some days I pray (plead even) that the pain would fade, that it wouldn't hurt so bad, or that life wouldn't be so hard. Some days, I just want to feel the way we felt before Nate died. When life may have felt crazy but we did not have to walk around with broken hearts inside our chests.
All My Love,
Preschool graduation day cuddles... May 25, 2012