DECISIONS, DECISIONS, DECISIONS…
When Nate died so many decisions needed to be made in such a short amount of time...the music, the flowers, pictures of Nate, the location of the service, the location of the reception, the obituary, and the list goes on and on. All of these things that I would have never imagined I would ever have to think about.
I am sure that not all of the decisions we made were right. We were trudging through the fog of grief without clear hearts or minds so I know that nothing was perfect. I was ok with that – we aren’t perfect people and Nate would not have expected us to be.
Nate was born just months after we moved into the home that we still live in. We moved into this house because Katie was pregnant with Nate and we had outgrown our townhome. It’s not a perfect home…..we struggle with the same things that most people do – not enough space and nothing is new enough. Our house is small because of all of the stuff we have acquired with three kids. Toys, toys, and more toys creep in and invade every area of the house. We are constantly fixing this or that or trying to upgrade this or that. All of these things keep me busy but I am not sure that we will ever be able to move from this house – even if we want to. Nate lived almost every day of his five plus year in this house (minus the times we were away). He never knew any other home. That is not lost on us and would probably be a deciding factor if we ever thought of moving.
I remember sitting in the funeral home planning Nate’s service and all of the decisions that needed to be made. Overwhelming doesn’t even begin to describe it. The funeral director asked us whether Nate would be buried or cremated. I thought briefly about this and just knew deep down in my gut that I could not bury Nate in a cemetery. I couldn’t leave my son by himself somewhere. Nate only knew one home and I knew that he had to come home to his home. I couldn’t picture myself putting my son into the ground and leaving him there, not even for a night. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to visit him 24/7 and I didn’t want him away from our family, not even for a minute.
On the exterior Nate was one tough kid. He had my temper and it wasn’t easy to hide. As tough as he was……he would struggle when he stayed the night at a family member’s house. The summer of 2012 – he stayed with his uncle in Virginia for the weekend and Katie and I got a call because Nate was crying. He missed us and wanted to be at home. His Uncle Bubby sat up with him and got him through it but Katie and I were hurt that our boy was struggling for us and we were in another state.
The decision to bring Nate home with us was easy. I don’t know if it was the right decision. I know it’s a personal decision and may not be right for others. I just know that it was the right decision for me – I couldn’t think of it being any other way. We brought Nate home to the only home he ever knew. Some nights I sit and look up at the mantle and the pictures of him, Drew and Kaylee that hang on the wall. I know Nate’s not really there but I am comforted that he is not somewhere else. I know that his spirit is in this house and that’s the only way I can imagine it.
Nate’s laughter no longer fills our home but his spirit and great memories are indelible and irreplaceable. Things you will only find in a home. Things that I’m not sure we could find in another house.
Go Out. Be Great.